Waves

Waves

When my heart is burdened with sorrow, it helps to think of life like the sea waves coming by. There are light ones that drift you off very gently and the high ones that drift you to each loss you’ve ever encountered. I learned that is the only way to heal. There was a time where I thought being strong was standing in the face of these waves; you stand there thinking and focused on how tough you are that you don’t feel the sand slipping from beneath your feet.  You think the wave can never cross the wall you’ve built, but you get tired, weary and un-focused that you end up swallowed and dragged to the wrong places. I allowed myself to be dragged to be amongst un-supportive people that my attitude attracted, because I let my own sorrows take the lead.

Despite everything a part of me sometimes drifted with the small waves, I drifted into places where the people around me dare not go, they didn’t understand so they judged and shamed this way of thinking. I lost my inspiration to write to express myself in a way that others couldn’t. Yet, the time came where these people left, it hurt and strangely, that was okay. I was going to be okay! I can surf that wave too I thought.

 I opened my heart and learned to swim along with all the waves, the big and the small.  It was exactly like teaching a child how to swim, you learn to move your feet, lift your face above the water and then let go of your fear of drowning.

 Another big wave hit and everyone disappeared, my world was silent and empty. Just when you think you lost so much already, you find life stripping you away from everything familiar and the wave throws you in an un-known terrain. As your tears subside, you find it’s not worth it to be angry or sad about small things. Not everything that happened is your fault if the people who were around you didn’t realize how much you have stood by them before and how you would have stood by them over and over again without hesitation. Does your absence mean you were nothing to them to begin with? You really don’t need people around who talk behind your back and plan shenanigans to play on your nerves.

At the end you realize if standing alone is what it takes then accept it, you take responsibility over your life, and you become so in tune with your own soul that enduring judgment is no longer an option for you. 
 ©Zeina A.G

Crossroads

Crossroads

Her night came like a raging storm, too swiftly and un-expectedly as she lays in her bed at night startled from a haunting nightmare. Shivers run down her spine as the air turns icy cold. She is unable to move, unable to control the panic attack taking over her. She chuckles convincing herself everything is okay, maybe as a desperate attempt to drive her fears away or maybe set them aside till they become null. However, the more she ignores her feelings the worst it gets.

The more she drives her thoughts away from what’s bothering her, one thought keeps tapping, like a branch being controlled by strong wind, violently knocking on the front window of her mind. 

Her whole body tenses up, that she can barely move at times, just because she will not admit how heartbroken she is; she had promised herself not to go through that road again. She felt after all she had seen before life could not surprise her anymore.

She fakes a smile during her day trying to escape from the subject pretending not to care, trying one more time to make her fears fly away, attempting to take full control and stand strong. Nevertheless, it haunts her in her moments of solitude that each hobby she ever loved, stop meaning anything to her. Her nights become even worse as her nightmares come back with more intensity that all she can focus on is how sad and broken she feels, how much all the broken links in her life can never be the same again.

She holds a pen to express how her anger and silence is daunting, but she is faced with an un-bearable question: What if there is nothing left after burning down old bridges?

 That is the moment she promises herself as soon as she feels she can’t go through with this alone, she will reach out for help, and she does... She puts her faith in people who aren’t afraid to gently wrestle with her fears, maybe lessen her rage, and she feels a tiny glimpse of hope re-appear and a tiny breath of strength coming back.

She goes back to the start, taking each day one step at a time…one breath at a time. Knowing she is standing at a crossroad and soon she will have to choose which way to go. She closes her eyes each night embracing her solitude, she trusts her feelings fully for the first time since that last lightning struck. As the green fields, blue skies and colorful winds she’s focusing on become her peace points, she starts feeling tiny segments of herself come back. Un-welcome tears fall down her cheeks, not being aware of them until their warmth hit her arm.

She reminds herself how every accomplishment she had ever made started with goodbye, no matter how much it hurts; meaning she can’t give up or give in to defeat. She keeps pushing through slowly and steady till she is able to let go of situations and people so she can get to the other side. 

She learns the bridge she is walking on today may be burnt one day when it no longer serves her a purpose, despite that happening she will be okay. All because the lighting, which hit her last, un-veiled a hidden pathway to the deepest corners of her soul, a road she will memorize by heart the next time lightning may strike.

 ©Zeina A.G