2016

2016 you began extremely cruel, and un-fair. I kept running and hitting the ground, for the first few months. How naive  was I to think that was the end of it... Sadly, it continued throughout the year as I started figuring the number of people who will really be there cut out not even in half or quarter. They cut out to very few.

2016 you have shown me how fragile and helpless we could be against life and circumstances. You have shown me despite the fake smiles we use to face hardships, how important it is to feel everything. And that hardships are a part of life even if some of us don’t admit to them. Quite honestly your losses are irreplaceable.

2016 you also showed me that once you take the challenge to follow through a dream, so many paths and opportunities just open up as you go along. You feel your eyes have opened to a whole new world and you get this immense support along the way which just proves to you that no dream is old enough to be achieved.  It’s hard to ignore your inner critic and keep moving along a project that you can’t explain to the people around you yet. But, I certainly believe that it’s even harder not to try in the first place. It’s harder on the long run to let fear paralyze you and pretend you wouldn’t like to try to take that first step.

2016 You’ve showed me that our past and our mistakes don’t have to always weigh us down. You have powered me with this immense strength to get back up, and that’s the top thing on my list that I will be carrying with me into 2017.

Waves

Waves

When my heart is burdened with sorrow, it helps to think of life like the sea waves coming by. There are light ones that drift you off very gently and the high ones that drift you to each loss you’ve ever encountered. I learned that is the only way to heal. There was a time where I thought being strong was standing in the face of these waves; you stand there thinking and focused on how tough you are that you don’t feel the sand slipping from beneath your feet.  You think the wave can never cross the wall you’ve built, but you get tired, weary and un-focused that you end up swallowed and dragged to the wrong places. I allowed myself to be dragged to be amongst un-supportive people that my attitude attracted, because I let my own sorrows take the lead.

Despite everything a part of me sometimes drifted with the small waves, I drifted into places where the people around me dare not go, they didn’t understand so they judged and shamed this way of thinking. I lost my inspiration to write to express myself in a way that others couldn’t. Yet, the time came where these people left, it hurt and strangely, that was okay. I was going to be okay! I can surf that wave too I thought.

 I opened my heart and learned to swim along with all the waves, the big and the small.  It was exactly like teaching a child how to swim, you learn to move your feet, lift your face above the water and then let go of your fear of drowning.

 Another big wave hit and everyone disappeared, my world was silent and empty. Just when you think you lost so much already, you find life stripping you away from everything familiar and the wave throws you in an un-known terrain. As your tears subside, you find it’s not worth it to be angry or sad about small things. Not everything that happened is your fault if the people who were around you didn’t realize how much you have stood by them before and how you would have stood by them over and over again without hesitation. Does your absence mean you were nothing to them to begin with? You really don’t need people around who talk behind your back and plan shenanigans to play on your nerves.

At the end you realize if standing alone is what it takes then accept it, you take responsibility over your life, and you become so in tune with your own soul that enduring judgment is no longer an option for you. 
 ©Zeina A.G