Crossroads

Crossroads

Her night came like a raging storm, too swiftly and un-expectedly as she lays in her bed at night startled from a haunting nightmare. Shivers run down her spine as the air turns icy cold. She is unable to move, unable to control the panic attack taking over her. She chuckles convincing herself everything is okay, maybe as a desperate attempt to drive her fears away or maybe set them aside till they become null. However, the more she ignores her feelings the worst it gets.

The more she drives her thoughts away from what’s bothering her, one thought keeps tapping, like a branch being controlled by strong wind, violently knocking on the front window of her mind. 

Her whole body tenses up, that she can barely move at times, just because she will not admit how heartbroken she is; she had promised herself not to go through that road again. She felt after all she had seen before life could not surprise her anymore.

She fakes a smile during her day trying to escape from the subject pretending not to care, trying one more time to make her fears fly away, attempting to take full control and stand strong. Nevertheless, it haunts her in her moments of solitude that each hobby she ever loved, stop meaning anything to her. Her nights become even worse as her nightmares come back with more intensity that all she can focus on is how sad and broken she feels, how much all the broken links in her life can never be the same again.

She holds a pen to express how her anger and silence is daunting, but she is faced with an un-bearable question: What if there is nothing left after burning down old bridges?

 That is the moment she promises herself as soon as she feels she can’t go through with this alone, she will reach out for help, and she does... She puts her faith in people who aren’t afraid to gently wrestle with her fears, maybe lessen her rage, and she feels a tiny glimpse of hope re-appear and a tiny breath of strength coming back.

She goes back to the start, taking each day one step at a time…one breath at a time. Knowing she is standing at a crossroad and soon she will have to choose which way to go. She closes her eyes each night embracing her solitude, she trusts her feelings fully for the first time since that last lightning struck. As the green fields, blue skies and colorful winds she’s focusing on become her peace points, she starts feeling tiny segments of herself come back. Un-welcome tears fall down her cheeks, not being aware of them until their warmth hit her arm.

She reminds herself how every accomplishment she had ever made started with goodbye, no matter how much it hurts; meaning she can’t give up or give in to defeat. She keeps pushing through slowly and steady till she is able to let go of situations and people so she can get to the other side. 

She learns the bridge she is walking on today may be burnt one day when it no longer serves her a purpose, despite that happening she will be okay. All because the lighting, which hit her last, un-veiled a hidden pathway to the deepest corners of her soul, a road she will memorize by heart the next time lightning may strike.

 ©Zeina A.G