2016

2016 you began extremely cruel, and un-fair. I kept running and hitting the ground, for the first few months. How naive  was I to think that was the end of it... Sadly, it continued throughout the year as I started figuring the number of people who will really be there cut out not even in half or quarter. They cut out to very few.

2016 you have shown me how fragile and helpless we could be against life and circumstances. You have shown me despite the fake smiles we use to face hardships, how important it is to feel everything. And that hardships are a part of life even if some of us don’t admit to them. Quite honestly your losses are irreplaceable.

2016 you also showed me that once you take the challenge to follow through a dream, so many paths and opportunities just open up as you go along. You feel your eyes have opened to a whole new world and you get this immense support along the way which just proves to you that no dream is old enough to be achieved.  It’s hard to ignore your inner critic and keep moving along a project that you can’t explain to the people around you yet. But, I certainly believe that it’s even harder not to try in the first place. It’s harder on the long run to let fear paralyze you and pretend you wouldn’t like to try to take that first step.

2016 You’ve showed me that our past and our mistakes don’t have to always weigh us down. You have powered me with this immense strength to get back up, and that’s the top thing on my list that I will be carrying with me into 2017.

People we never forget

I guess I figured it out how much we are all somehow good actors in our everyday life. We wake up as fresh as we can be, as if we slept the whole night through.

We talk and laugh as if the ambulance ride at midnight was nothing. We laugh it off , because it's all we could do in a situation that is beyond our understanding. We trick ourselves into thinking everything will be okay. That each person we cherish around us is immortal. We fake our smiles during the day, but get irritated at the negativity people impose on us. And you start thinking " I am trying to be strong here and look at those idiots judging . I'm holding onto a thread and saying my goodbyes to someone I love...and all I feel is judgement"

Then it all disappears into blank space with one look at him sitting in bed unable to move, unable to talk or walk in the garden he cherishes. You find your grief is worth it, your tears are there ,because he held your hand as a child and helped you through your first steps. 

He loves you un-conditionally like any grandparent would and was always proud even when you messed up. Your grief is worth it ,because he still looks at you lovingly even as he gets tortured by his pain... 

He is worth it because his old age never made him bitter as you are right now from life, faith and from everyone un-sympathetic around you . 

Maybe we can learn a thing or two from him maybe hold on a little longer to a hug, to a kiss....look in their eyes a little longer understand their morals....their lessons a little better. Love them endlessly, because they are the strongest people you'll ever know....Repeat your faithful words and love to them till their eyes close and cross over to the other side. Send them into a journey of love into god's arms knowing they are cherished and will never be forgotten till we meet again....

A Stranger's Open Heart

Just wanted to share something that happened yesterday at the studio, I wasn’t here but my mum told me that a man was buying Frames and a teenager around 15 or 16 walks in, asking her about a photo on his mobile that he wanted developed. He wanted to change it’s background to heavenly clouds and enlarge.

The man buying the frames was watching him quietly as the teenager almost burst into tears telling mum how his brother died. 

His brother had been sleeping in his own home, when an air strike hit their home in Syria.
Seeing the sadness in his eyes this incredible man whom I SERIOUSLY wish I was here to witness this takes out some money and pays for the photo. 

He looks at the teen and says “We all lose people, it happens in every house in each country in the world…I am paying for this photo just so you can remember to keep your heart open and that you don’t pick up a gun and seek revenge…Your brother’s memory stays alive when you are loving not when you are full of hate, understand? Promise me you will never carry a gun”

The crying teen nods and thanks him.
I’m working on his photos now and wishing I was here to witness this.

Waves

Waves

When my heart is burdened with sorrow, it helps to think of life like the sea waves coming by. There are light ones that drift you off very gently and the high ones that drift you to each loss you’ve ever encountered. I learned that is the only way to heal. There was a time where I thought being strong was standing in the face of these waves; you stand there thinking and focused on how tough you are that you don’t feel the sand slipping from beneath your feet.  You think the wave can never cross the wall you’ve built, but you get tired, weary and un-focused that you end up swallowed and dragged to the wrong places. I allowed myself to be dragged to be amongst un-supportive people that my attitude attracted, because I let my own sorrows take the lead.

Despite everything a part of me sometimes drifted with the small waves, I drifted into places where the people around me dare not go, they didn’t understand so they judged and shamed this way of thinking. I lost my inspiration to write to express myself in a way that others couldn’t. Yet, the time came where these people left, it hurt and strangely, that was okay. I was going to be okay! I can surf that wave too I thought.

 I opened my heart and learned to swim along with all the waves, the big and the small.  It was exactly like teaching a child how to swim, you learn to move your feet, lift your face above the water and then let go of your fear of drowning.

 Another big wave hit and everyone disappeared, my world was silent and empty. Just when you think you lost so much already, you find life stripping you away from everything familiar and the wave throws you in an un-known terrain. As your tears subside, you find it’s not worth it to be angry or sad about small things. Not everything that happened is your fault if the people who were around you didn’t realize how much you have stood by them before and how you would have stood by them over and over again without hesitation. Does your absence mean you were nothing to them to begin with? You really don’t need people around who talk behind your back and plan shenanigans to play on your nerves.

At the end you realize if standing alone is what it takes then accept it, you take responsibility over your life, and you become so in tune with your own soul that enduring judgment is no longer an option for you. 
 ©Zeina A.G

Broken Silence

My dear child, living in war, I have heard your cries; I am
Mother Nature, the essence of the earth that
you live in, the creator of life, the mother of
all instincts. My silence has often been mistaken
for defeat, and non sympathy from my side. I
am sad to inform you that despite all the dark
ages my land has witnessed, this has yet to be
the worst and cruelest nights of all.
These foolish humans have not heard your cries,
sadly because an emotional plea or cry is a
message too deep for their shallow minds to
interpret, they have forgotten the essence of
humanity and giving... They have forgotten that
this is beyond any act of peace; it is cruelest
act of murder and it is being done intentionally.
I have existed for millions of years before any
religion, or man.
I am breaking my silence to tell you my dear, do
not fret over your life, your existence is never a
mistake, and you scare these dark forces with
your inner light. They are the cowards; they
fear a little body that holds the boldest soul and
the loudest cries. I want you to know whatever
happens no force on this earth can change the
fact that at the end you belong with me.
It is I, who control and witness the death and
rebirth of each flower, plant and tree after the
most rigid storms. I have watched over a million
flowers bloom each spring, and baby this is your
storm. Don’t give up, I’ll be here to embrace
you when everything else fails, don’t let your
soul give in to despair your spring will come one
day.
I will be your soldier when these savages come to
take you. You are too pure anyway to be a
human being… come with me and live in my soils,
I will always love and cherish you. Watch how my
animals and plants will teach you the true
meaning of beauty, love and sacrifice.
Your memory will never be lost in vain, because
your flesh will add innocence and purity to all
my seasons and lands, even the air. Your love
for life will live in me forever… You may decide
to fall down as a leaf in autumn, even as rain or
snow in winter… You can flow freely in my rivers
in spring or even bloom as a flower. You can play
in my clouds and fly up to my heavens.
Your spirit can wander through all my season
breezes so freely and effortlessly, your heart
will be in the sunrays at dusk and you can
gently bathe in my sunset.
Forget humanity…forget your body….Forget
these cruel savages, because at the end they
will have no place here after they go, they shall
vanish in a dark deep hole in the universe, and
only you will remain.
Don’t be afraid of death, don’t be afraid when
it’s time to go, think of me, and my promises
what is waiting ahead. Your end of living will
only be a new beginning with me. These fools will
think they have killed you; truth is you shall
outlive them all for millions and millions of years
to come, just like many innocent souls have lived
in me for a million years before.
Therefore, when your time will come for you to
go, take a deep breath, close your eyes in
peace, and think of me…Think of my light and I
will embrace you.
You are after all a child of nature, and I will
never leave you.

Happy Birthday ♡

Even though we smiled & laughed today you were
always on my mind. My heart keeps tugging at your
memories ,I remember everyone's stories about you
how most loved ones said you made them laugh and
feel special. I remember some saying you danced in
the middle of a busy street with them while
wearing a clown costume... I can never forget the
concert we went to on your last birthday, how you
left your kids at home and insisted that it was just
our time together. All these are just small part of
a long list of memories that can go on forever,
little positive reminders of how much you mean to
me and taught me how to smile, laugh and dream.
Just because you weren't here to blow out your
candles, doesn't mean your not with us in another
way, your love is still here and will go on as long as
we live, because love never dies . So I pray to God
tonight more than ever to grant you eternal
happiness & peace. Happy Birthday Godmother.... I
will Always Love you!

Crossroads

Crossroads

Her night came like a raging storm, too swiftly and un-expectedly as she lays in her bed at night startled from a haunting nightmare. Shivers run down her spine as the air turns icy cold. She is unable to move, unable to control the panic attack taking over her. She chuckles convincing herself everything is okay, maybe as a desperate attempt to drive her fears away or maybe set them aside till they become null. However, the more she ignores her feelings the worst it gets.

The more she drives her thoughts away from what’s bothering her, one thought keeps tapping, like a branch being controlled by strong wind, violently knocking on the front window of her mind. 

Her whole body tenses up, that she can barely move at times, just because she will not admit how heartbroken she is; she had promised herself not to go through that road again. She felt after all she had seen before life could not surprise her anymore.

She fakes a smile during her day trying to escape from the subject pretending not to care, trying one more time to make her fears fly away, attempting to take full control and stand strong. Nevertheless, it haunts her in her moments of solitude that each hobby she ever loved, stop meaning anything to her. Her nights become even worse as her nightmares come back with more intensity that all she can focus on is how sad and broken she feels, how much all the broken links in her life can never be the same again.

She holds a pen to express how her anger and silence is daunting, but she is faced with an un-bearable question: What if there is nothing left after burning down old bridges?

 That is the moment she promises herself as soon as she feels she can’t go through with this alone, she will reach out for help, and she does... She puts her faith in people who aren’t afraid to gently wrestle with her fears, maybe lessen her rage, and she feels a tiny glimpse of hope re-appear and a tiny breath of strength coming back.

She goes back to the start, taking each day one step at a time…one breath at a time. Knowing she is standing at a crossroad and soon she will have to choose which way to go. She closes her eyes each night embracing her solitude, she trusts her feelings fully for the first time since that last lightning struck. As the green fields, blue skies and colorful winds she’s focusing on become her peace points, she starts feeling tiny segments of herself come back. Un-welcome tears fall down her cheeks, not being aware of them until their warmth hit her arm.

She reminds herself how every accomplishment she had ever made started with goodbye, no matter how much it hurts; meaning she can’t give up or give in to defeat. She keeps pushing through slowly and steady till she is able to let go of situations and people so she can get to the other side. 

She learns the bridge she is walking on today may be burnt one day when it no longer serves her a purpose, despite that happening she will be okay. All because the lighting, which hit her last, un-veiled a hidden pathway to the deepest corners of her soul, a road she will memorize by heart the next time lightning may strike.

 ©Zeina A.G